Writing

- Bunny femcel journal- 4/22/2026 -

Yeah, i'm kind of using the 'femcel' tag rather loosely here. It still applies to me in terms of like, being bitter over not having a date. But i'm not here wanting everyone around me to drop dead if they're happier than me..okay maybe that's a small lie, but it's only when i'm in that weird 'on my period' funk. For some reason, when i'm on it, my bitterness is cranked up to 11. Though it's more inward. I mean, just last week, I felt like completely isolating myself from the world and my friends until I deemed myself attractive. (Though sometimes I still feel lke that when I look in the mirror.)

I'm not a total friendless loser. I have a good amount of pals that I go out with. Some I kind of keep in touch with, and others who are my besties. I do have one best friend, who I am very thankful for. But sometimes it comes to a point where I have enough friends, you know? I'd like to be someone's priority for once instead of watching others live out that desire right in front of me. Hell, two of my best friends are dating eachother, and we hang out as a trio. They aren't outwardly affectionate around me, which honestly is because of me, but having the thought at the back of my mind that they're together irks me a bit. It's entirely on me though for feeling that way.

I don't think i've ever felt "attractive". I don't think I ever will. I'm always staring at every flaw in the mirror. It always feels I discover something new to be insecure about. Which is funny, seeing how I constantly draw myself nowadays. I am trying more than I used to though. I go to the gym as consistent as I can, I wash my face better and am taking care of my teeth and fixing the imperfections there at the dentist, which I am terrified of going to but I need to. (Yeah I still cried at my last appointment recently and I will continue to do so.) Though those are stuff I can control and have the responsibilty to keep track of. I've even gotten better at taking the meds I need to take. The stuff I can't control are what pisses me off, like genetics.

I don't mind being short, though my torso is kind of short so I don't have much of waist. I mean, I kinda do, not sure. I think my wide hips are what save me to be honest. I'm not that chubby, and i'm TRYING to slim down, though I think my thyroid issue may make it harder to lose what I want to lose. I know I can't spot reduce, and i'm doing the whole body recomp thing, but still. And I got sort of a round face too that I abhor, and some hair thinning that i'm desperately trying to fix and figure out the cause of, because it's genuinely making me 'passively' suicidal and hate myself more.

Personally, I don't think i'm the worst looking person around, but compared to my friends? hell yeah, I look like shit. They're slim, dress better, actually know how to do make up, and without fail, they always get complimented when we go out. And they're both very Alt, which I am not. I don't have the confidence to pull that off. Man, it sucks total ass to be the undesirable one in the group. They're nice and genuine people, and of course they get unwanted attention. It's not their fault that they do, and it's not their fault I feel the way I feel. Though it does make it a bit frustrating to express that feeling. I've gotten approached maybe like 4 times, and all 4 of those times were unwanted attention. One of those times was possibly gonna end in me either getting raped/killed, so that was wild. Though for some reason, in my sick mind, it made me feel validated as a woman, which is not something a normal person should think, aha.

I mean I know why no one would want me, and I want to improve all of those aspects. But there's so much to fix. Genuinely it's overwhelming to the point where I just want to throw myself in front of train. Of course, it's not an overnight thing. And my defeatist attitude isn't helping at all. It just alot to constantly think about every day. The thought that i'm completely wasting my twenties feeling and looking like shit and general girlfailure stuff. I don't know, maybe this dumb blog might help. (lol that's what I said about my tumblr, but the people there absolutely decimated my already shit self esteem so..we'll see.)

Honestly I feel like an alien around most people, and to top it off, sometimes it's hard to speak due to my suspected speech impediment. Some words don't come out right, and I hate hearing myself talk sometimes since I sound like a total idiot, and not in a cute way. I dunno, I could go on about all the things I hate about myself, but I already did in my several suicide notes I've written over the years. I know that being in that type of mindset doesn't get me anywhere, but it feels wrong to be confident in myself when I haven't really done nothing in my life. I'm not entitled to romance, no one is. I just wish I didn't want it so bad. I wish I could kill that desire completely.

Anywho, that's enough harping on me being a failure of a human being.

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