Writing

- Bunny femcel journal #2 -

This one is gonna be a heavy vent post so read at your own discretion.

Well, this may end up being a long winded post but I’ll see what happens. Man, do I miss you..a lot. I miss when it it seemed that you liked me, if you ever did. Sometimes I think you were just using me as an ego boost. That you didn’t care like you say you did. Constantly telling me you’re here for me as I feel you drift further away.

And I I can’t even be mad or upset at you..you told me that you weren’t looking for serious, not ready for a commitment, but not saying no. And stupidly, I’d say I’d wait. Because I don’t know any better, and blurred the lines of flirting and just friends. I thought I’d be good enough to change your mind. But I should have known better, at least a bit at my age.

It just felt nice, even if you constantly flaked and ignored me, even when I cried over those times and felt like I was being neglected when you didn’t owe me anything. I just felt entitled to your attention.

I just don’t understand why’d you tell me things like “I can do clingy” when I told you I was trying not to be. Occasionally asking for nudes. The back and forth.. When I asked you what we were, and you said friend, but also said you really liked me too and just weren’t ready. That I was special to you, and that you didn’t want to lose me..

Did I mess that up by being paranoid or were you lying? I don’t know. It just hurts a whole lot..I told you not to tell me things you didn’t mean. It’s cruel. And you did it so consistently. Telling me you’d call back and then leave me hanging, telling me I can call your whenever I wanted. I just don’t know how this works. Am I doing it wrong or are you just a jerk?

It feels unfair. And I wish I didn’t miss someone like you. I wish I left and didn’t get so attached to the attention I never got from someone before you. But..you told me you didn’t want anything serious. And I didn’t listen..

I feel so dumb. Why were you so consistent before? And then your attention dropped off so suddenly..I wish I knew so I can fix the issues. But that won’t ever bring you back. Not like you’d ever want to.

You have your pick of girls online..I’m just the easy girl that just showed you nudes freely. And you were the only person I have been that honest with my feelings with because I thought it was mutual. Hell, that’s why I shared nudes so eagerly. I guess I’m still trying to impress the older guy. I didn’t even use pet names until I met you. I hardly ever used pet names. I always thought they were icky to say. Embarrassing even. But you did jt so easily so I guess I just mirrored you..

I just..liked you. Plain and simple. And maybe I was too plain and simple. Hah. I let you talk to me and degrade me however you wanted because I didn’t want you to leave. Even if some things did hurt me more than I expected it to. I just..didn’t want you to feel guilt over hurting me, even if it did hurt me.

Once you told me that I wasn’t a woman, I was a fem cel on a call once. Ngl.that kinda stung a bit. Because it meant that you didn’t view me as a woman. And maybe even unworthy..lol you even called me a dog once I think.

You told me a lot of things. Once you told me that bullying me was very cathartic..and I was happy to be your willing victim. You also told me I bring the worst out of you. Man..I wish I didn’t miss you at all. It was obvious that you didn’t give a shit about me..even when we were on call, it seemed like you were talking to someone else, texting other people while I yapped on like a dumb ass.

I shouldn’t have even agreed to keep on flirting even though you said we were just friends. I should’ve stopped it there. But I got too attached. That part is my fault. I guess I didn’t realize this is how you talk to most girls you come in contact with this way. It just felt nice to be sought out the way you used to seek me out, texting both accounts just in case I didn’t see the first one. It just confused me more.

Then there was that period where I thought you liked someone else from your job. And that’s where I thought it was all over for me. So I kept going back and forth of clinging tightly and pushing you away and making things worse for myself. Blocking you and then unblocking. I guess I wanted you to worry, and honestly it was a bit shitty of me to do. I just don’t know how to communicate it because I was afraid I’d get the answer I dreaded. And eventually I did.

I forgot what I said, because that account got nuked. I think it was along the lines of “I don’t think you like me as much as I like you anyways.” Then you responded with “of course I like you plenty. Just maybe not in the same way.”

Fuck man, that just broke me completely. Because it confirmed my fears and suspicions. And it made me feel even more parasocial and confused and embarrassed after doing all of that for someone who doesn’t see a future. I thought it was all mutual. That’s why I did all that.

Like when I got drunk on call. That was to please you. Even trying edibles was for you. Just developing bad habits that you encouraged so you’d like me more. Don’t know what that was about.

And yet I don’t think you’re a bad person, even if you did hurt me. Even if it felt a bit like you preyed on my low self esteem. Because I let it happen. I know you’re older than me, but it’s not like I’m a teenager. I should’ve had some semblance of common sense.

Why’d it have you be you though? Why couldn’t it have been someone who actually liked me and was gonna stick around? Why couldn’t I have been obsessed with someone who actually wanted me around? This limerance sucks ass man. I hate feeling this way for someone who doesn’t feel anything for me. And it’s all online too. I feel even more embarrassed about that.

And here I am, still trying to talk to you when it’s obvious that you moved on completely and probably replaced me with someone else. pfft, with several people. I don't think I was that significant to replace, though. Probably just a phase. And you were right, I am jealous. Extremely so, even I have no right to be. I hate feeling that way. Especially over someone who doesn’t ever think about me anymore. Feels selfish on my part to have feelings. I should’ve kept staying away. I can’t even blame you, you haven’t even seen my face, and I’m a total bummer to be around sometimes and think it makes me “humble.” My inferiority complex gets really bad sometimes.

That being said, I really don’t think you’re a horrible person. I’m not really sure what I think of you now though. You know, besides the psycho-sexual feelings I developed, but I ain't gonna say much about that here. I don't hate you. But I feel like sending all of this to you would only boost your already gigantic ego. I don't want to be the girl who still pines after you, but I still ended up that way. Sucks ass.

[END]