Writing

- Bunny femcel journal #4 -

The toxic upward spiral.

Man I am totally out of luck.

I’ve seen some girls, neurodivergent girls, who hyperfixate on beauty. Man, why couldn’t that have been me? Why couldn’t I have hyperfixate on that instead of like..anime figures and dolls. Instead of my face, I usually enjoy doing the make up on my dolls. And to be fair, that in itself makes me wanna do my own make up so I can look like my dolls. But still. I’m already fucking autistic as shit, with the weird nasally voice and everything, that it feels I have to work extra hard to fit in. People don’t treat me terribly per-se, but I guess I don’t get the attention that my best friends get. They’re alt-gothed out to the core. I was never really into like..heavy accessories and super layered looks like they are. For example, I hate the sensation of jewelry being on me. Icky metal bits. Also they’re thinner, so they have more choices than I do when it comes to having things fit them.

Which brings me back to my earlier point on wanting to have hyperfixated on being pretty like those other girls. It would make me so much more tolerable. And maybe make me less of a bummer. Because most of these journals are of just me complaining about myself and how much I hate being myself. I know some self confidence helps but you know, I always fear being humbled and being brought to my knees by reality itself.

Only nowadays have I started focusing on my appearance and trying to better myself. And to be honest, yeah, it’s because of you know who..though once I do get the look I want, I don’t want that bastard touching me. Though he can’t anyways, because he lives on another continent, so nyeh :p

Also why did that bastard even try to friend me again if he wasn’t even going to answer my texts? He could’ve just left me alone. Was it just to make sure I didn’t kill myself because I deleted my blog or something? Or maybe because I deleted the art I did for him and it was taken off his blog? I don’t know..I know I should probably have more faith in the guy, but he’s only shown me he wants nothing to do with me..I guess. I don’t know. I’m confused now. He’s lucky he’s cute. His ego isn’t though. (And that stupid cheating kink he has, get some therapy dude, jeez. Makes me want to fuck the ego out of you, Pare Que te calles) Actually, I wonder how he figured that out, I thought he was ignoring me. Was he keeping tabs on me or something? I mean he has my location, but I’m not that worried about him coming to find me. Guy’s into the whole stalker stuff pero like I’m not hot enough to be followed by him. Kinda worried he’ll find this site, but I doubt he cares enough to come looking for me.

ANYWAYS, enough about that weenie, where was I? Oh yeah, the glow up. Not gonna lie, there’s a lot to do to better fit into society’s standards. I don’t want to be like..skinny. I’m not super into that look. I prefer slim-thick. Yes, I know it’s not 2016. I already have wide hips and a big ass, I just need to tone the body. But there’s also other stuff I wanna do, like slim the face and make it less like a rounded square. Also fix my hair. But I won’t get to know what’s causing the hair loss until my doctor’s appointment, which should be soon..Blegh but even if I get that fixed, my hair won’t grow out for a while anyhow..

I know I should focus on other stuff besides that, like maybe going back to school and doing a trade of some kind. Also learning how to drive. I’m like..super behind. I’m nearly 24. I don’t really know what I’m doing in life right now..

..actually I won’t lie. Once I hit 24, the countdown will begin. Basically if I’m not like, caught up with everything, like a good job, good appearance, able to drive, and also a good bank about, I am actually ending it at 25. Is that fair to me? Not really. But I was always a master procrastinator. Surely I can turn things around by next year. The only one I’m giving myself a pass on is the driving since you know, takes time to learn and also schedules for driving school and licenses and stuff. The car stuff is last, since public transportation exists, so that’s the only leeway I give myself.

[END]