Writing

- Bunny femcel journal #5 -

Bleugh. This entry is gonna be a bit venty so prepare for that lel

These past few weeks since the last journal entry have been off, to say the least. I've been more tired more often, and I haven't been exactly following my diet. But like, it's way better than I used to be. I'm still watching what I eat, and getting that protein in. I'm just way more exhausted than I usually am. My thyroid meds are not doing shit for me.

And to add on top of all that, I got a mild case of perioral dermatitis. I hate it. It triggers my suicidal ideation, due to it feeling like a set back in my self improvement journey. It looks like I smeared a glazed donut over my mouth and I just let it dry. Ugh, makes me feel like shit. I've kept a decent skin care routine, and since I don't drink soda anymore, save for special occasions, it's been pretty clear. I may get a pimple here and there, but it's way clearer now. But now, because I used fucking aquaphor, it triggered a flare up. I got to wait it out, and keep the skin care gentle and clean. But it sucks that I have to wait it out while I look like this. I just hope it clears by my birthday at the end of this month.

I know I may be chasing this impossible standard in my head, and maybe i'll end up a husk of my former self by the end of it, but maybe it'll be worth it. I dunno. Perhaps i'm being too harsh on myself, but i'm nearly 25. I'm only wasting away at this point. And besides, looking better will definitely improve my lot in life, social wise. I mean, people aren't mean to me. Actually, most people, especially women, are very nice to me. And it feels nice.

It's just the male population that doesn't like me as much. Which like, I shouldn't care about as much..BUT LISTEN. Let's not kid ourselves. I could pretend i'm doing all this self improvement for me. To be that divine, independent woman I know I can be. But nah, I'm doing it for male attention, as unfortunate and pathetic as it sounds. Hopefully, by the time I reach my goal, I won't care about that anymore. But i'm faking it til I make it.

To be fair, I know most guys suck. Like seriously. And sometimes I attract some of those shitty guys. And I don't respond to half of the dms I got on tumblr back whenI had my kink account. But MAYBE if I look better, I attract some better people..though now as I'm reading this, that sounds incredibly naive. Even the hottest women get cheated on and done dirty. So I don't think that's gonna improve my selection in the caliber of people of dating regardless.

Now, what is my actual goal by my birthday next year, appearance wise, that will make me want to keep living past the age of 25?

First of all, slimmer. AND thicker. I have the potential for it, I just got fat in high school without realzing it, lmao. Not sure how I ended up with an ass, but I did. I'm just trying to round that out too since it's too square. I don't mind my hip dips as much, and I'm glad I even have hips much wider than my waist, BUT I still want my lower half to be bigger. That's how I like my women, and that's how I want to be. Crush someone's head with my thighs, and destroy someone's pelvis with my ass. Or their face. Teehee. Granted, a lot of my idealizations comes from gooner ideas, but whatever gets me in the gym, ya know?

I also want to slim my face out a bit. It's kind of blocky and I hate it. Someone told me to be there or be square, and I never showed up, lol. It's a work in progress. And with this dermatitis, it makes me want to never leave the house for work..but I need that cash, so..

Oh! And grow out my hair to my ass. I've always liked having lots of hair, but I don't know the exact cause of what made me lose a good chunk of it. I hope it's a lack of iron and vitamin d, not to mention the wrong dose of my thyroid meds. I refuse to use minoxidyl. It feels like my hair is borrowed. Like i'd be buying a subscription for my hair to grow, and that's gonna mess with my head big time. So hopefully it's something I can fix like a deficiency, which will also aid me in other aspects of my health. Plus, I don't want to spend $40 dollars a month for it.

Basically, what it all boils down to is me wanting to look like a babe from the planet of cosplaying babes. And improving my health, I guess. Also make my personality and possible autism more tolerable. I just want to be hot as hell, man. And right now, i'm not. That will be corrected..soon.

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